She Dines: The Devil Dons Michelin Stars
“Poverty was repugnant to her; degradation took away two-thirds of her greatness. Milady was only a queen while among queens. The pleasure of satisfied pride was necessary to her domination. To command inferior beings was rather a humiliation than a pleasure for her.”
Rarely do I write a critical post. It’s not that I’m so optimistic, but rather that I was gifted with the ability to exercise a certain degree of diplomacy in most circumstances…except this one.
I’ve been to Apparatus Room – located inside the Detroit Foundation Hotel, the product of renovations to the Detroit Fire Department headquarters – several times now and feel I can make a fair assessment. Everything is always perfect – people say what they’re supposed to say, the food is exactly what you would expect from a Michelin 2-star chef, the ambiance is completely representative of a downtown city restaurant. But it’s the kind of perfection that suggests something sinister is going on behind the scenes…like Pleasant Ridge perfection or Stepford Wives perfection. It’s like reading Runway Magazine – the fictional publication that served as the contextual backdrop for the movie, The Devil Wears Prada – and then meeting its cut-throat, demanding editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly. All examples of perfection followed by unadulterated evil (okay, perhaps I was a little hard on Pleasant Ridge).
Detroit Foundation Hotel entrance and dessert by April Eileen
What I found was precision (good) coupled with an air of superiority (not so good) and a seeming willingness to sacrifice whatever is necessary to achieve that air (even worse). And just as I’d rather not have avocado toasts, delicious as they might be, with the infamous Ms. Priestly, I’m also not really trying to have them at Apparatus Room either. I realize I may never dine respectably in the city of Detroit again by suggesting Apparatus Room is the Miranda Priestly – the unmitigated bitch – of Detroit restaurants but hey, it’s my truth. Despite excellent food, the unmistakable conceit in the admittedly beautiful atmosphere leaves a bad taste nonetheless.
I can usually tell how accommodating a restaurant will be when I try to make a reservation for a large party on an off night. Sometimes it’s simple and the restaurant has space or makes it happen in some other way. Sometimes it is difficult and they are persnickety about how the bill should be paid or mention the entire party must be there before anyone is seated or there is some inordinate fee associated with the room. I’m quite used to any of these rules and have even been in situations where they are compounded (anyone been to Wright & Company lately?) so no worries right? In this case, I never even got a call back.
Now let me back up. I had been to Apparatus Room once before the situation with the unanswered calls. I actually had a good experience, which is why I considered the restaurant for my meeting. In hindsight, it was entirely due to the service of a truly friendly bartender who, by the way, is now at The Whiskey Parlor (go figure). Anyway, I knew they had a private seating area because a member of the staff – longer hair, dark features, grey suit, aloofness seeping from his pores – showed it to me and we discussed it. Sadly, I didn’t write the gentlemen’s name down…total fail on my part because when I finally did get someone on the phone to continue the discussion, describing the gentlemen to which I had spoken – longer hair, dark features, grey suit, pore-seeping aloofness – of course none of it mattered. Not only did persnickety-ness abound, putting Apparatus Room squarely in the “exceedingly difficult” camp but apparently, no one with the description I provided worked there.
I pulled every trick in the book and even dropped a name (it’s literally the only one I have) to avoid some of the rigid rules and was able to make a reservation for the main restaurant area. When I walked in, I was greeted or rather assessed by the haughty hostess, and while I have no general issue with nonchalance, in this case, it was less about trying to create an atmosphere of exclusiveness, which is common among luxury brands, and more about ensuring I realized what a privilege it was for me to be in their establishment.
Pastries and Detroit Foundation Hotel entrance by April Eileen
Fortunately for me, I was in very good company for dinner so the rest of the dining experience was fine and, as I mentioned, the food is really spectacular. It is a real shame it’s overshadowed by a general disdain for all human life. After paying my bill, I took a few steps toward the door and – Gah! I spotted the man I was convinced was an apparition. There he was – longer hair, dark features, glaring aloofness and I swear to God, the very same grey suit! He was there in the flesh and my blood was boiling with rage.
Okay, I’m done. Check out Apparatus Room if you want to feel generally unwanted and inadequate in life (just tell people you went because it’s the only place that serves Sancerre by the glass…we won’t judge). But if you want great food, great atmosphere, great customer service AND that nice warm fuzzy feeling of belonging that makes for a favorite restaurant (wow…what a concept), take another route. Do yourself a favor and check out another of the many fantastic restaurants in Detroit (Selden Standard, Takoi, and Savannah Blue are just a few of my favorite).
What’s your take on ostentatious eateries? Tolerable or maddening?
UPDATE: I decided to give Apparatus Room another shot when I held my monthly mastermind there a few weeks ago. I know, I know! I was hesitant, believe me, but most of my fellow content creators had never been and I felt they at least deserved a chance to form their own opinions. I was the first to arrive and the restaurant was nearly empty so I asked the host if the head chef, Thomas Lents, was around. He was. I was simply going to introduce myself and share that I had met his lovely wife and son during a parent/child class we all had together during the fall. Unworthy as I am, I did expect to have an opportunity to compliment him on his truly delightful family (and the spectacular blueberry lemon pancakes). Nothing major, just the exchange of a few pleasantries. Well, brunch - scrumptious as it was - came and went and I found myself indignantly sipping grapefruit mimosas because I wasn’t given the chance to praise the him. Well, Apparatus Room had done it again and I was put squarely in my place - a mere paying customer. On a MUCH brighter note, we had a delightful server who, like the bartender mentioned above, might make you forget you are in the 7th level of hell but only briefly. There are still red flags - references to the head chef always being “pissed;” the mysterious plate of free pancakes that showed up at our table after my friends and I had openly talked bad about the restaurant in the ladies room; french fries - far too plebeian I suppose - only being served on the less bourgeois side of the restaurant. I suspect nothing has really changed and Apparatus Room is still a sumptuous tragedy but who am I? Just a poor foot soldier, too lowly even to be noticed. Oh wait, that was Mr. Wickham from Pride and Prejudice but you get the idea.
Love in all things,
April Eileen
